Preliminary Analysis of the 2008 National Grilled Cheese Month Campaign

The campaign is heating up, and so are the panini grills. Early polls indicate that this might be a coronation for Philly Cheese Steak, but it appears later in the race, which may give other candidates a chance to gain a moldhold.

Some of the candidates competing in the Week 1 Primary have some type of scandal or blunder to overcome. French Onion has been grilled repeatedly regarding its close ties with Tom DeChevre, the former chairman of the House Wheys and Creams Committee who was recently brought up on federal raclette-ering charges. And Fontina with Roasted Shiitakes has been widely criticized for its infamous "Mushroom Accomplished" speech. But, as melted cheese strategist James Coverdale once said, "It's the flavor, stupid," and it is clear that on that score, all of the candidates are more than qualified.

Roasted Asparagus, the 3-term incumbent, has an uphill battle this year; victory will hinge on a large vegetarian turnout. Pimento Cheese hopes to get a bump from Southern voters. And while Monterey Jack and Roast Beef is expected to have broad support among male voters, many question whether its flavors will appeal to the so-called "MASCARpone dads."

There are critics who argue that this whole election, this National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Month, is contrived by the cheese lobby. But even if that were true, so what? Even the most conservative sandwich eaters can't really put forth a reasoned objection to melted cheese paired with bread and a liberal dose of butter.